How to love Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Paul Blart Mall Cop is a masterpiece.


Now hear me out here. To love Paul Blart like it should be loved you have to watch the film in a specific way. (Not with your eyes closed). You have to watch the film not like a film but like a cry for help.

Paul Blart is not a film, it’s a film from another film.

In the US Office if they wanted to have someone watching a fictional terrible film then they would have created Paul Blart to show in the background (I know they did do a fictional film but it works as an analogy so don’t worry too much about it). If a film was made about a person who didn’t speak English having to write a comedy film in English, Paul Blart is what they would come up with. It’s always 2 degrees away in 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon.

To enjoy Mall Cop like you really should you have to see it as not a film but a parody of a film. You have to see that it’s mocking the producers of all other films. You have to see Kevin James nodding and smiling as he writes each line in the script, his fingers dropping the paper and losing the pages into a pool full of hundred dollar bills.

As he segways down the road he knows. As he falls to the floor to suck the dirt smeared lolly-pop he knows. As he fights the evil-doers and learns a valuable lesson himself he knows. Paul Blart is joke after joke after joke and Kevin James is in on all of them.

And as he knows all of this and swims in his pool of money Kevin James screams. And he screams. And he screams. Because it’s not enough, it will never be enough. He will keep writing Mall Cop because that’s all he is able to do. He starts to carve into the page in blood: ‘Paul falls off his segway and shouts safety never takes a holiday!’. Mall Cop is someone screaming into your face for 90 minutes until you laugh and that’s why it is so funny.

Kevin James is like Hitchcock in his determination, Kubrick in his attention to detail and Spielberg in his fist pumping moments, if they were all on crack all of the time and could only communicate their instructions via mime with boxing gloves on. Once you see and understand this, then you will finally understand Mall Cop.


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